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My Child's Heart is Breaking, but in My Chest too.

angelahattabaugh

Updated: Feb 7

If you are a loving parent, an empathetic parent, a parent who only wants the whole world for your son or daughter, then you will understand what I am about to share with you. For many of us, sharing in our child's heartbreak is one of the most painful parts of parenthood. Is it too selfish to say that as parents, we may feel even more pain than our child when he or she is getting bullied, broken up with, on a losing team, or feels like an outcast?
I have felt the dull ache when my daughter didn't make the middle school volleyball team. Or the vicious bite when my son wasn't invited to the party that he had held so important. I have felt the razor-sharp blade of an idiotic teenage boy breaking up with my daughter because he couldn't see her pricelessness right in front of him. And I have endured the hot serration of the cut when my son was made to feel not good enough at a sport that he was brave enough to try. Of course, that is life, right? And it goes on like that through its entirety- life's entirety I mean. Just as there are no end to the joys in life, there are definitely no end to its stab wounds directly to the heart. We tell our kids the same thing, "We are so sorry that happened," "It's their loss," "we love you and this will make you stronger." Kids are resilient, and they do go on, hopefully getting stronger in their identity every day. But what about us as parents? How do we go on knowing and feeling the pain of our children. How do we shake that residual hurt? How do we tell ourselves "It's all going to be ok?"


 For many of us, sharing in our child's heartbreak is one of the most painful parts of parenthood.
 For many of us, sharing in our child's heartbreak is one of the most painful parts of parenthood.

 

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” – Psalm 68:5

The greatest heart severing event to occur in my life was when my ex-husband decided to no longer be my children's father. We had a bitter divorce after years of a painful marriage. In the end, I tried to file a restraining order to stop him from stalking and threatening me. He and I both showed up at the hearing for the restraining order. Surprise... the judge did not grant the order. I guess I wasn't beat up enough or dead enough for him to think a restraining order was truly justified. The real kicker of that day was that my ex-husband's pride was hurt so much that I would do that to him, that he told me as we left the hearing, that he will never be a part of our children's lives ever again- mainly just to hurt me. It's been about 15 years since this day, and each day, he follows through on this threat. As the years went by, I got to be a part of some of the most amazing times for my children. Birthdays, concerts, awards nights, sports games, holidays, driver's licenses, graduations, etc. Each moment was so bittersweet because of the joy I felt for my children's happiness, paired with the utter despair I was feeling for their heartbreak from not having their dad at any of these events. Of course, my kids are grown up now, but the pain is still there like it was yesterday.
My 24-year-old daughter is moving into a house with her boyfriend, but has had to spend a ton of time painting it and fixing it up before they move in. I just know that deep in her heart she longs to be able to call up her dad and ask for help with the house- just like dad's are supposed to do. My 21-year-old son, who is always having issues with his old car, I know, dreams of being able to call his dad to come over and help him. But he can't do this. They just have mom, who doesn't know much about fixing houses or cars. And it's things like this that tear my heart in half when they happen. I worry that because of this, my son and daughter feel that they are not good enough and that their father left them because he didn't love them enough which is not true at all. The truth is, he left them because he is mentally ill and wanted to hurt me, but that's very hard for a son or daughter to understand. All they could see was that he couldn't love them enough to stay in their lives.

I worry that because of this my son and daughter feel that they are not good enough and that their father left them because he didn't love them enough
I worry that because of this my son and daughter feel that they are not good enough and that their father left them because he didn't love them enough

 

"And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows." Luke 12:7

Many times, I feel at a loss as to what to do to stop this pain. It seems like after all these years the pain would not hurt as deeply as it does, but I know that if it's hurting me this much still, that it must be hurting them even more. I think the only thing I can do is continue to show them how much they truly are loved not just by me but by all of their other family members and of course by God. I don't say this to them directly, but I want them to know that God is truly their father. They are not fatherless like they may think. And he believes they are so valuable and so worthy. He would never leave them. He would never abandon them. I continue to invite my son to church because I know there is a hole in him somewhere and I believe that church may be the only place that can fill that hole for him. As much as I've tried to love him and show him how amazing he is, I think the pain of the loss of his dad will not let him rise above where he is. He needs God's love, which is far greater than mine, to do that for him.
If we, as parents, truly believe this, that God is the giver of the greatest love, then we can take comfort knowing that although our child may go through painful times of rejection and disappointment, if we teach them about God's love, we can make them strong. And in turn, those blades in our hearts from their pain won't cut so deeply. Know they are loved and so are we. Earthly father or not, they will always be children of God.

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